Worlds Worst Drivers

Here at PSR, we decided to perform a double blind study to determine the world’s worst class of drivers. It was a difficult decision when narrowing down to the two finalist group. Wait, no it wasn’t. There wasn’t much questioning the competition; it is unquestionably woman or Asians (although old people did come in a relatively close third). We sat in the car with several of each group and compiled a list of “inappropriate” driving behaviors and documented the findings below.

Woman

Women have a scientific disadvantage being that they have smaller brains, its science and a proven fact. However, with modern technology being what it is, the invention of the power windows, locks, mirrors and remote starters, woman are now on an almost equal playing field.

Observation # 1: Talking on her cell phone, sticking a curling iron in her eye and drinking her double frap latte mocha caramel espresso cappuccino on ice.

Observation #2: While attempting to park, simultaneously block traffic in both lanes only to realize her Mini couldn’t fit into the motorcycle parking space

Observation #3: Singing and dancing to Brittney Spears with the windows down is a distraction to other drivers. For the love of God stop, please.

Observation #4: While gossiping with her girlfriends about the latest Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes rumor, our driver forgets she is driving in the fast lane and is only going 35 mph.

Asians

They automatically lose points right off the start for not being able to see with their tiny, squinted eyes; however, bonus points for inventing the modern technology.

Observation #1: Stopping at green lights, going on red lights and driving in reverse at yellow lights.

Observation #2: Since the Asians invented Pac-man back in the late 70’s they have been trying to gobble up everything they see on the street, especially fruit carts.

Observation #3: Attempting to use chopsticks and pour soy sauce on their sushi while driving = trouble

Observation#4: Always looking lost, driving in-between both lanes and driving so slowly while looking around it appears as if they are attempting to drop off their Chinese delivery.

And the winner is….

Come on now, wasn't it obvious. The combination between the two is a 74 car pile up just waiting to happen. Whenever you see an Asian woman on the road get out of your car and RUN, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

The lameness that is me.

I would like to begin this post by apologizing. Whenever I originally decided to start my blog I made a promise to myself that if I was going to keep this active, I would like to write something at least every other day. I have plenty of ideas (some of which I will share later on) but it appears as if I have developed a form of writers block or a lack of motivation.

I think my lack of social interaction is driving me borderline mad. The past few weeks have been particularly stressful, with work related issues, the holiday season, and my recent break-up, moving, figuring out my career and just trying to figure out my life. I just can't seem to sit down and type. There have only been three things which have been almost therapeutic writing, going to the gym and playstation (this is what my life has amounted too). I am hoping that after Christmas and the move I will have the opportunity to start anew.

I will be in Pittsburgh Friday through Wednesday and will be at the Steeler game on Sunday. Hopefully whenever I come back I’ll be ready to rock and roll. I hope everyone has a safe, relaxing and enjoyable Christmas.

Thought of the day: Whenever you are sitting at a traffic light and singing to the radio do you stop whenever someone looks over at you?

My New Years Resolutions

It’s about that time of year; you know the time I’m talking about. People are happy and optimistic, a new year is rapidly approaching and another unfulfilled year has past. Whether your 2006 plans involved losing weight (and you gained a comfortable 20 pounds), being a better person (and you were except for all those times you laughed at the homeless, screamed at an old lady in the car in front of you, cheated in one form or another or deliberately hurt somebody’s feelings to make yourself feel better), or something as simple as improving your life in just one way (going to the gym, quit smoking, only drink on days that end in Y). Regardless of what expectations you set, 2007 is right around the corner; it’s another day and another year to change yourself and the world, one day at a time. So without further adieu, I present you my 2007 resolutions, in no particular order.

Those of you who have known me for a long time should be relatively acquainted with my personality. I have always been shy, particularly around people I have just met; this year my goal is to come out of my shell. I want to be loud, I want to have fun and most importantly I want to be able to sing and dance and meet women without fear of rejection.

I’ve always been a very good person; never disrespectful, always polite. This year I want to grow a set. I want to tell people how I really feel; occasionally stick up for what I believe is right, I want to get into arguments just because I can. No more playing the innocent and nice guy; it is time to be heard.

Coming from such a small and quiet college and never really having the crazy and outgoing social life that I’ve always wanted, I feel it is about time to get wild. I want to drink (maybe even more than one time per week) I want to try and get kicked out of a bar. I want to go home with random women and not ever ask for their names. I want to have fun without worrying.

And my last resolution is one that I believe everybody should consider. Instead of trying to always please the people around me, I think it is time to be selfish. I want to make myself happy before I worry about others. It is my life and I want to live the way I want to live. So if you have a problem with me you can kiss my ass.

The awesomeness of Crispix

So there I was the other day eating a small bag of chex mix when I came to a bright and sudden conclusion. You see, I really enjoy the wide variety of the chex mix bag; it contains pretzels, bagel chips (think melba toast bites) and the Creme De La Creme of chex; miniature crispix in three distinct flavors (rice, wheat and corn). As I was driving on the road, casually enjoying my chex mix bag an epiphany occurred to me; the miniature crispix would go great with sugar, AND that is when it I realized something else, that they have a cereal called Crispix! It was a great day, now not only could i eat crispix for my lunchtime snack (lightly salted with a large glass of water) but now I could eat them for breakfast (lightly sugared into a ginormous bowl of soy milk. You couldn't even imagine my excitement when I came home and told my roommates, both of who looked at me like I made a claim to the invention of the question mark.

So anyway; next time you are craving either a salty or sugary snack, think no further than Crispix and I promise you, awesomeness will ensue.

Letter from a concerned citizen

Over the past year I have gone to the gym at a fairly consistent rate (average about 3 or 4 times per week). My appearance shows that I have never been a big fan of lifting weights while at the gym. Generally speaking I perform various cardiovascular activities including but not limited too running, biking and swimming. I have found that 30 minute of cardio a day is good for both the physical and mental health (although I am still waiting for an exercise that will get ride of a beer belly which resembles a 7 month pregnant man)

I typically enjoy my scenery while at the gym; both the attractive women and the fat and/or ugly people sweating so voluminously. For the most part, I just generally enjoy people watching while I run on my hamster wheel. Take notice that I did not ever say that I enjoy people smelling. I understand that people will not be at the freshest while working out and burning those thousands of calories which were consumed while eating the Burger King Quad or pretty much anything from McDonald's.

Now my dearest fat bastard, I understand that you probably have a rather difficult life which probably amounts to watching child pornography, collecting empty toilet paper rolls, eating 11 meals a day and beating your 3 cats. I encourage you to continue getting out of the house and trying to lose some of the excess 450 pounds which you carry around like a second mortgage. The part that I refuse to accept is your disgustingly rank odor.

A few weeks ago I jumped on the only available treadmill, I was rather curious why there was actually an open treadmill being that it was peak gym time. I almost immediately regretted my decision to run. It first started off like typical body odor of a person who was really working hard at the gym. But then I realized you were covered with sweat as the treadmill read 2.0 mph and 6 minutes of working out. Within seconds the odor because so bad that it began to burn my throat. I felt like I was sandwiched between a rotting corpse and a used diaphragm of Paris Hilton. For a few seconds I actually believe I lost consciousness, only to suddenly regain it whenever you lifted your arms to stretch out. Once again I commend your efforts in trying to lose weight, but in doing that you are killing people around you. You are part of the reason the ozone layer is deteriorating and the Antarctic glaciers are melting. Your odor killed JonBenet Ramsey and Nicole Brown Simpson. If we sent your stank ass to Iraq people would stop fighting, IT'S THAT BAD. Please do us all a favor and smell yourself prior to entering public. If your nose explodes or jumps off your face, you still stink.

Sincerely,

Everyone

New York Resident Proclaims “Buffalo Blows”

Nathan Allan Wolfe, former St. Mary’s resident and Indiana University of Pennsylvania student moved to Buffalo last year after accepting a job with Brian St. Pierre Gobaine Industries. Shortly after the grueling interview process which consisted of counting to ten in Spanish, saying the Pledge of Allegiance, coloring inside the lines and beating his supervisor in a game of thumb wresting, Nathan accepted the job offer. “I should have known better than to move here after the interview process” Quoted Nathan; “ Instead of doing a background check and drug test the city of Buffalo required a rectal exam and a sample of ear wax.”

Once he moved to Buffalo, he immediately joined the other fourteen residents and took an interest in Hockey. “I figured it would give me something to look forward too, especially considering my other options of shoveling snow and fending off welfare recipients who try to steal my shoes.” He now admits that he sees Buffalo for what it really is, “a rundown city with approximately nine people between the ages of twenty-one and thirty, no competitive sports teams and basically a winter cluster [expletive]. Buffalo just plain out blows, and I’m not talking about just the wind he was also quoted as saying. I knew things were going to go rapidly downhill when we got our first winter snowstorm of the year in July. I was snowed into my house and the only thing on TV were repeats of Family Feud and Mama’s Family.”

Somehow Nathan remains optimistic; he has stated that he has no immediate plan to move out of Buffalo. “I’ve actually thought about running for mayor in the next couple of years; last year the race consisted of a former Miss Teen Buffalo turned Starbucks employee, a bank clerk originally from Djibouti and Jim Kelly, former 5 time super bowl loser.”

"It's grungy, polluted and dark; the people are miserable and pretty much all hate me, but it is home"

Local man said to discover cure for anorexia

Local Boston auditor Matt Sisson has apparently discovered the cure for anorexia as well as other weight based problems in which people are too skinny. He announced his findings at a press conference last night after discussing the matter over with family and friends.

Matt first realized the severity of his problem one day while looking down to tie his shoes and realized that he could in fact see his feet. He immediately realized something needed to be done and instantly started eating. Many people are skeptical do to the fact that Matt has made outrageous claims in the past. He once claimed to have run an actual mile, but that has yet to be proven.

Whenever asked by researchers why he decided to put fourth so much effort to battling such a devastating eating disorder he stated: “I was anorexic once; I went without eating for almost 6 minutes.” Additionally, most people aren’t aware of the psychological effects that eating disorders can have on men. When asked how he was able to overcome anorexia he stated “I just focused my concentration on changing my daily habits. I now make sure that I eat at least 6 or 7 full meals a day, along with frequent snacks. I will never let something like this happen again.”

Currently other individuals who have previously suffered from anorexia are trying out this cure; people such as Ryan “fatnecks” Guerrero and Roy “Top Roll” Sivley have agreed the Sisson method has worked beautifully.

Today Matt is back to his normal routine as well as his pre-anorexic weight and has actually gained a few more additional “security” pounds. “Never underestimate the power of an eating disorder, you can always be too skinny but can never be too healthy.”