It's been too long....

With over 21 months on hiatus I've decided to make a comeback. Much has changed in the past two years. I've changed my perspective on a few things, grown a few years older, drank a few more beers and had a few more laughs. I'm happy to say that my life is great. With that in mind, I bring to you the first edition of the new Nick….

Things that I love….

Growing old. I look forward to the day when its acceptable to not give a shit what you wear, say or do. Everyday I’m more bald, fat and ugly. It's getting bad, but instead of running scared I’m embracing this disastrous way of life. There are days when my stomach sticks out further than my feet. I shed hair like a dog but it doesn't grow back. Getting old is fun, it’s like a game of roulette, you never know what's next and that is exciting. At my current pace I may not make it to 30.

Rick Astley- Come on now people, if you are not aware of who the king of pop is, then you should go play in traffic right now... "Never gonna give you up" is the greatest song ever recorded. What most people don't know is that Rick is a disgusting white guy who makes vanilla ice look like Brad Pitt. But regardless the man's got the voice of an angel. If this song doesn't make your head nod you should probably reprioritize your life. And if you are not signing this song as you read, seriously... go play in traffic.

Chopsticks - I'll give it to the Asians. They are good at a few things including math, gymnastics, picture taking, anime, and using sticks to eat their food. Not only do these wooden sticks make you eat slower, thus helping with digestion and overeating... but have you ever really watched someone who is unfamiliar with them. HILLARIOUS. Fox needs to put a show on that shows people attempting to use them.

Mrs. Butterworth ( We will be hearing more from this wonderful woman at a date in the near future) Just realize that she is almost as awesome as crispix.

Those liberty mutual commercials about people doing the right thing. I enjoy them because on one side it makes you feel good that people are helping people, but on the other side I laugh because they are hilariously untrue. Most people would not help a stranger and that is why they are ridiculous. How many times a day do I see an old man getting his ass kicked or a person in a wheel chair stuck at a flight of stairs or a Chinese person lost. Sure I could help, but then I wouldn't get that warm feeling inside whenever I watch someone else help them. Now that's what I’m talking about.

Things that I hate….

People who already push the lit up button on an elevator. We get it asshole; you are going to the first floor. Guess what?! So am I. If the button is illuminated, there is no need to push it again. I believe there should be a hammer hanging from the elevator ceiling. In case of emergency asshole, immediately smash fingers.

I'm old, but not this guy old. I have been peeing on my own for well over 20 years at this point. You think I would have learned how to not piss on myself. Recently I have found myself forgetting to give it one more squirt, that is until I'm zippered up and streaming hot urine down my leg. Although it does keep me warm on these cold fall evenings.

Let me get one thing straight. I HATE MTV. seriously despise the channel. A channel should not lie to you. It’s called music television for a reason people, show music. I don’t give a shit about road world, real rules or whatever else garbage comes from that channel. You don’t see BET showing reruns of the three stooges or any cowboy western. Stick to what you know. MUSIC.

Now that we are talking about music, all these bands with symbols, punctuation and hieroglyphics in their band names need to knock it off... how can I download illegal music whenever I cannot type in the name of your band. Grow up and come up with a creative name that doesn't require 8====D.

That Toyota commercial with the annoying advertisement about being saved by zero. If you don’t' know what I’m talking about consider yourself lucky... If I’m being saved by zero who the hell is saving me from this commercial. Listen, it’s bad enough you're not selling cars right now but your marketing people created a one way ticket to hell for all employees by creating the world’s most obnoxious advertisement. If you happen to hear it and cannot change the channel punch yourself in the nuts next time, it won't hurt as bad.

Obviously this is not a fully comprehensive list. I'm trying to ease my way back into using my brain. Look for a few more interesting pieces of useless bitching and information from me in the next upcoming days....