Worlds Worst Drivers

Here at PSR, we decided to perform a double blind study to determine the world’s worst class of drivers. It was a difficult decision when narrowing down to the two finalist group. Wait, no it wasn’t. There wasn’t much questioning the competition; it is unquestionably woman or Asians (although old people did come in a relatively close third). We sat in the car with several of each group and compiled a list of “inappropriate” driving behaviors and documented the findings below.

Woman

Women have a scientific disadvantage being that they have smaller brains, its science and a proven fact. However, with modern technology being what it is, the invention of the power windows, locks, mirrors and remote starters, woman are now on an almost equal playing field.

Observation # 1: Talking on her cell phone, sticking a curling iron in her eye and drinking her double frap latte mocha caramel espresso cappuccino on ice.

Observation #2: While attempting to park, simultaneously block traffic in both lanes only to realize her Mini couldn’t fit into the motorcycle parking space

Observation #3: Singing and dancing to Brittney Spears with the windows down is a distraction to other drivers. For the love of God stop, please.

Observation #4: While gossiping with her girlfriends about the latest Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes rumor, our driver forgets she is driving in the fast lane and is only going 35 mph.

Asians

They automatically lose points right off the start for not being able to see with their tiny, squinted eyes; however, bonus points for inventing the modern technology.

Observation #1: Stopping at green lights, going on red lights and driving in reverse at yellow lights.

Observation #2: Since the Asians invented Pac-man back in the late 70’s they have been trying to gobble up everything they see on the street, especially fruit carts.

Observation #3: Attempting to use chopsticks and pour soy sauce on their sushi while driving = trouble

Observation#4: Always looking lost, driving in-between both lanes and driving so slowly while looking around it appears as if they are attempting to drop off their Chinese delivery.

And the winner is….

Come on now, wasn't it obvious. The combination between the two is a 74 car pile up just waiting to happen. Whenever you see an Asian woman on the road get out of your car and RUN, run as fast as you can in the opposite direction.

The lameness that is me.

I would like to begin this post by apologizing. Whenever I originally decided to start my blog I made a promise to myself that if I was going to keep this active, I would like to write something at least every other day. I have plenty of ideas (some of which I will share later on) but it appears as if I have developed a form of writers block or a lack of motivation.

I think my lack of social interaction is driving me borderline mad. The past few weeks have been particularly stressful, with work related issues, the holiday season, and my recent break-up, moving, figuring out my career and just trying to figure out my life. I just can't seem to sit down and type. There have only been three things which have been almost therapeutic writing, going to the gym and playstation (this is what my life has amounted too). I am hoping that after Christmas and the move I will have the opportunity to start anew.

I will be in Pittsburgh Friday through Wednesday and will be at the Steeler game on Sunday. Hopefully whenever I come back I’ll be ready to rock and roll. I hope everyone has a safe, relaxing and enjoyable Christmas.

Thought of the day: Whenever you are sitting at a traffic light and singing to the radio do you stop whenever someone looks over at you?

My New Years Resolutions

It’s about that time of year; you know the time I’m talking about. People are happy and optimistic, a new year is rapidly approaching and another unfulfilled year has past. Whether your 2006 plans involved losing weight (and you gained a comfortable 20 pounds), being a better person (and you were except for all those times you laughed at the homeless, screamed at an old lady in the car in front of you, cheated in one form or another or deliberately hurt somebody’s feelings to make yourself feel better), or something as simple as improving your life in just one way (going to the gym, quit smoking, only drink on days that end in Y). Regardless of what expectations you set, 2007 is right around the corner; it’s another day and another year to change yourself and the world, one day at a time. So without further adieu, I present you my 2007 resolutions, in no particular order.

Those of you who have known me for a long time should be relatively acquainted with my personality. I have always been shy, particularly around people I have just met; this year my goal is to come out of my shell. I want to be loud, I want to have fun and most importantly I want to be able to sing and dance and meet women without fear of rejection.

I’ve always been a very good person; never disrespectful, always polite. This year I want to grow a set. I want to tell people how I really feel; occasionally stick up for what I believe is right, I want to get into arguments just because I can. No more playing the innocent and nice guy; it is time to be heard.

Coming from such a small and quiet college and never really having the crazy and outgoing social life that I’ve always wanted, I feel it is about time to get wild. I want to drink (maybe even more than one time per week) I want to try and get kicked out of a bar. I want to go home with random women and not ever ask for their names. I want to have fun without worrying.

And my last resolution is one that I believe everybody should consider. Instead of trying to always please the people around me, I think it is time to be selfish. I want to make myself happy before I worry about others. It is my life and I want to live the way I want to live. So if you have a problem with me you can kiss my ass.

The awesomeness of Crispix

So there I was the other day eating a small bag of chex mix when I came to a bright and sudden conclusion. You see, I really enjoy the wide variety of the chex mix bag; it contains pretzels, bagel chips (think melba toast bites) and the Creme De La Creme of chex; miniature crispix in three distinct flavors (rice, wheat and corn). As I was driving on the road, casually enjoying my chex mix bag an epiphany occurred to me; the miniature crispix would go great with sugar, AND that is when it I realized something else, that they have a cereal called Crispix! It was a great day, now not only could i eat crispix for my lunchtime snack (lightly salted with a large glass of water) but now I could eat them for breakfast (lightly sugared into a ginormous bowl of soy milk. You couldn't even imagine my excitement when I came home and told my roommates, both of who looked at me like I made a claim to the invention of the question mark.

So anyway; next time you are craving either a salty or sugary snack, think no further than Crispix and I promise you, awesomeness will ensue.

Letter from a concerned citizen

Over the past year I have gone to the gym at a fairly consistent rate (average about 3 or 4 times per week). My appearance shows that I have never been a big fan of lifting weights while at the gym. Generally speaking I perform various cardiovascular activities including but not limited too running, biking and swimming. I have found that 30 minute of cardio a day is good for both the physical and mental health (although I am still waiting for an exercise that will get ride of a beer belly which resembles a 7 month pregnant man)

I typically enjoy my scenery while at the gym; both the attractive women and the fat and/or ugly people sweating so voluminously. For the most part, I just generally enjoy people watching while I run on my hamster wheel. Take notice that I did not ever say that I enjoy people smelling. I understand that people will not be at the freshest while working out and burning those thousands of calories which were consumed while eating the Burger King Quad or pretty much anything from McDonald's.

Now my dearest fat bastard, I understand that you probably have a rather difficult life which probably amounts to watching child pornography, collecting empty toilet paper rolls, eating 11 meals a day and beating your 3 cats. I encourage you to continue getting out of the house and trying to lose some of the excess 450 pounds which you carry around like a second mortgage. The part that I refuse to accept is your disgustingly rank odor.

A few weeks ago I jumped on the only available treadmill, I was rather curious why there was actually an open treadmill being that it was peak gym time. I almost immediately regretted my decision to run. It first started off like typical body odor of a person who was really working hard at the gym. But then I realized you were covered with sweat as the treadmill read 2.0 mph and 6 minutes of working out. Within seconds the odor because so bad that it began to burn my throat. I felt like I was sandwiched between a rotting corpse and a used diaphragm of Paris Hilton. For a few seconds I actually believe I lost consciousness, only to suddenly regain it whenever you lifted your arms to stretch out. Once again I commend your efforts in trying to lose weight, but in doing that you are killing people around you. You are part of the reason the ozone layer is deteriorating and the Antarctic glaciers are melting. Your odor killed JonBenet Ramsey and Nicole Brown Simpson. If we sent your stank ass to Iraq people would stop fighting, IT'S THAT BAD. Please do us all a favor and smell yourself prior to entering public. If your nose explodes or jumps off your face, you still stink.

Sincerely,

Everyone

New York Resident Proclaims “Buffalo Blows”

Nathan Allan Wolfe, former St. Mary’s resident and Indiana University of Pennsylvania student moved to Buffalo last year after accepting a job with Brian St. Pierre Gobaine Industries. Shortly after the grueling interview process which consisted of counting to ten in Spanish, saying the Pledge of Allegiance, coloring inside the lines and beating his supervisor in a game of thumb wresting, Nathan accepted the job offer. “I should have known better than to move here after the interview process” Quoted Nathan; “ Instead of doing a background check and drug test the city of Buffalo required a rectal exam and a sample of ear wax.”

Once he moved to Buffalo, he immediately joined the other fourteen residents and took an interest in Hockey. “I figured it would give me something to look forward too, especially considering my other options of shoveling snow and fending off welfare recipients who try to steal my shoes.” He now admits that he sees Buffalo for what it really is, “a rundown city with approximately nine people between the ages of twenty-one and thirty, no competitive sports teams and basically a winter cluster [expletive]. Buffalo just plain out blows, and I’m not talking about just the wind he was also quoted as saying. I knew things were going to go rapidly downhill when we got our first winter snowstorm of the year in July. I was snowed into my house and the only thing on TV were repeats of Family Feud and Mama’s Family.”

Somehow Nathan remains optimistic; he has stated that he has no immediate plan to move out of Buffalo. “I’ve actually thought about running for mayor in the next couple of years; last year the race consisted of a former Miss Teen Buffalo turned Starbucks employee, a bank clerk originally from Djibouti and Jim Kelly, former 5 time super bowl loser.”

"It's grungy, polluted and dark; the people are miserable and pretty much all hate me, but it is home"

Local man said to discover cure for anorexia

Local Boston auditor Matt Sisson has apparently discovered the cure for anorexia as well as other weight based problems in which people are too skinny. He announced his findings at a press conference last night after discussing the matter over with family and friends.

Matt first realized the severity of his problem one day while looking down to tie his shoes and realized that he could in fact see his feet. He immediately realized something needed to be done and instantly started eating. Many people are skeptical do to the fact that Matt has made outrageous claims in the past. He once claimed to have run an actual mile, but that has yet to be proven.

Whenever asked by researchers why he decided to put fourth so much effort to battling such a devastating eating disorder he stated: “I was anorexic once; I went without eating for almost 6 minutes.” Additionally, most people aren’t aware of the psychological effects that eating disorders can have on men. When asked how he was able to overcome anorexia he stated “I just focused my concentration on changing my daily habits. I now make sure that I eat at least 6 or 7 full meals a day, along with frequent snacks. I will never let something like this happen again.”

Currently other individuals who have previously suffered from anorexia are trying out this cure; people such as Ryan “fatnecks” Guerrero and Roy “Top Roll” Sivley have agreed the Sisson method has worked beautifully.

Today Matt is back to his normal routine as well as his pre-anorexic weight and has actually gained a few more additional “security” pounds. “Never underestimate the power of an eating disorder, you can always be too skinny but can never be too healthy.”

Ladies and Gentlemen: I bring you SMC

Here at Paper, Scissors, Rock Inc. we had the exclusive first interview rights to the elusive SMC. That is Steven Michael Christopher for those of you who weren't aware of this bright young man's nickname. You all may ask, and just how exactly did you get the opportunity to interview SMC; ha, well let me tell you it wasn't very easy. SMC has planned his second trip to Boston for the annual Bad Sweater Party and only we have the pregame interview. The interview below has been dictated word for word from the conversation that we had with Steven last evening.

PSR: First off SMC, let me start off by saying that I appreciate you taking time out of your busy schedule to sit down and talk with me, it must be difficult finding free time with all of the various activities that you have going on?

SMC: Why is the microphone aimed directly at my crotch?

PSR: Sorry about that, bad habit. We’ll save that store for another day, we are here to talk about you remember?

SMC: Well, you can start by just calling me Steve. I don’t know exactly when this whole SMC thing started, but it is really getting on my nerves. I liked it better when people didn’t know anything about me.

PSR: Ok, avoided the first question… I can see that this interview is going to go well.

PSR: Next Question: Can you briefly explain what your day consists of; I have these wild dreams about just how exciting a typical day is in your life.

SMC: Now that is a question I’m more likely to answer. Well, first I generally wake up around 11:00am, 10:30 if I’m feeling really refreshed. After checking my myspace, facebook, friendster, eharmony, match.com and all four e-mail accounts I go downstairs and look at my list of chores that I need to do for the day.

PSR: Let me interrupt you for a second... List of chores??? Who makes this list of chores?

SMC: If you weren’t so goddamn rude and impatient I would have gotten to that. I am currently living with my parents and because I am living rent and grocery free I am obligated to do various chores around the house each day. Now as I was saying, after I read the list of chores and kick the dog once for good measures I make myself breakfast. Because it’s the first meal of the day and most important I generally will eat a large piece of bread and some frozen fish sticks. Following breakfast I make my way back upstairs were I take, on average a 45 minute shower. After showering, fixing my hair and putting on my jewelry and make-up I am finally ready to start my day. By this time it is normally about 1:00pm and it is almost time for me to go to work at my first job.

PSR: Alright, we get the idea; we don’t have all day here. Let’s get to the good stuff. Can you briefly tell us what your plans on for the rest of your life?

SMC: While, as you know I graduated with a degree in underwater basket weaving from Indiana University of Pennsylvania. As of right now there aren’t too many positions available in the field, but I am optimistic that in the near future their will be an increased demand for my trade. Right now I am working at a hotel as a bellhop. I enjoy it because I get to meet a lot of interesting people and get to wear this really cute hat. I’ve been known to crash the occasional convention if you know what I mean (elbow and wink)

PSR: I have no idea what the hell you are talking about.

SMC: Well, in addition to working as a bellhop, I’m also a freelance photographer. I like to walk throughout airports, parks, busy intersection, basically wherever a lot of people congregate. I take their picture on my sweet Polaroid camera and then convince them to buy it. I also get to meet a lot of women this way.

PSR: Interesting enough, now with that in mind, what exactly do you look for in a woman.

SMC: Now that’s what I’m talking about. I loooooove the ladies. I generally do not have a specific type of woman, as long as she thinks I’m the hottest thing alive. I like girls without much common sense or book smarts. I find it’s easier to communicate with them. I also like a short or tall girl with blondish/red and brown hair that is sometimes curly and sometimes straight. T&A aren’t very important, as long as they have them and they are big.

PSR: HAHA, ok thanks Steve. Can you tell us about one of your more scandalous sexual encounters?

SMC: With pleasure….

PSR: Steve, please open your eyes and take your hand off my leg.

SMC: Sorry. Ok, there was this one time one of my roommates from college and I went to this kick ass themed party in which we all dressed up like different characters from fiction books. I dressed up like the Cat in the Hat because that is one of the only books I’ve ever actually finished reading. But anyway I met this really attractive girl that was dressed up like a ninja turtle; Michelangelo to be precise. All of her roommates were dressed like ninja turtles; so my roommate and I start talking to them and next thing you know I’m back in the room with the entire ninja turtle clan, including splinter and Casey Jones. One thing lead to another and all of us were in a hotel room and… cowabunga dude.

PSR: So, exactly how many men have you been with?

SMC: Well, I wasn’t really “with” those two guys, I just watched. So, besides them, just one… maybe two or three.

PSR: Let’s change the subject. What are you hoping to accomplish this upcoming weekend in Boston?

SMC: I am going into this weekend with no expectations. Last time I visited Boston it was out of control. We ended up crashing this fancy restaurant and a bunch of other craziness happened. I’m really hoping this weekend ends up similarly. I need to go and have fun.

PSR: Ok, I know that your time is very precious, but I only have two last questions for you. What do you think about Nick Sunseri?

SMC: My initial gut reaction would be to say he is an asshole. I could tell you stories for hours about all the stupid shit that we both did while back in school. Like this one time in Indianapolis when he pretended he didn’t speak English and then road this mechanical surfboard. I won’t get into it all now, although he can be a prick at times he actually a decent guy at heart. But don’t tell him I said that, I don’t want him getting any ideas. You know he’s funny that way…

PSR: WOW. Last question, if you had to choose between paper, scissors or rock which one would you choose and why?

SMC: Ahh yes, I’ve been waiting for this question. After thinking long and hard about this question I would have to choose scissors. I don’t know what I would do without scissors and being able to cut my hair. Plus sometimes they are really sharp and shiny.

PSR: Thank you very much for your time Steve. This concluded our interview; join us next week when we interview someone a little more interesting.

Sorry to disappoint

I'm not generally at a lose for words and I seldom feel like expressing my feelings but tonight is different for some reason. Perhaps it was because I had such a shitty day, it was one of those days where nothing seems to go the way you planned. Everyone has had one and know they suck worse than a freshman blow job but I guess you have to take the good in with the bad. I've been in a funk the past few days and I know the general reasons behind my lack of enthusiasm towards everything. I just have to deal with my problems on my own, because I know nobody else wants to hear me bitch. Today just sucked; bottom line. But i guess that is the benefit of writing. It lets me bitch about my problems and I don't care if anybody reads them or not.

Right now I'm trying to concentrate but am having a hard time due to both of my pulsating thumbs. The underlying cause of this problem involved my decision early in life to ignore my fathers' wishes to take up carpentry. Thinking back about 6 hours ago when I smashed both thumbs, twice (yeah, both thumb - two times each) I am really regretting that decision.

But generally, I have to say that one of the biggest components of my miserable mood has to involve a change of plans. Obviously, it is more complicated that it sounds, but let me explain and then you can tell me I'm an idiot. Up until a few days ago I thought I knew exactly what I wanted. I planned on taking 1 or 2 years at the Harvard Extension school taking premedical studies in preparation for med school. Following this classes I planned on attending med-school and becoming a doctor. (Simplified version for my own sake) Now don't get me wrong, I still have the desire and want to go to medical school. Perhaps another time I'll dedicate a full page towards my reasoning behind that. The problem that comes to my mind now involves my commitment to either my youth or school.

Well this has to be boring because I'm falling asleep as I type. I knew it wouldn't be interesting before I began (thus the title). I must say, although being completely alone with my thoughts sucks right now just typing whatever comes to my mind feels good. You should try it sometime... I'll tell you what, if you want to try just free flowing your thoughts, send them to me and I'll put them up. I can put them up anonymously if you prefer. Patient-Doctor Privilege.

Until next time...

Don't ever fall asleep holding a glass of water, you'll wake up thinking you pissed yourself.

From my living room into your kitchen

Welcome to my brain. I suppose I should start by explaining my reasoning behind pouring more gasoline on this new pop-culture trend. The truth is simple; I am selfish. I honestly do not care if a single person reads what I have to say, and I really don't care if people agree or disagree with what I write. This is going to be a therapeutic response to my never ending stream of consciousness. Similarly to most people, I have self diagnosed myself with ADHD. I get bored easily, I have difficulty concentrating on one thing at a time; I like to eat standing up and I have about an hour attention span to whatever I am doing. There is a good chance that this will be my only post, simply because I will end up losing interest before it ever gets started.


So consider me as the editor and chief of a magazine entitled Nick's mentally challenged world and this is my introduction and the first installment. I look forward to pissing you off, making you laugh, embarassing myself and hopefully my friends, being extremely personal and also doing a fair amount of lying. (What would the world be without the brutal honesty of liars)

Until Next Time...

high fives are free and everybody loves them.