Bush-Diving to replace Javelin in 2012 Olympics

In a surprise move the International Olympics Committee has announced today that they are replacing the Javelin event in the summer Olympics with Bush-diving, a fresh and relatively new sporting event. The committee has been searching for an event to replace the ever-dangerous Javelin after this past year when bronze medal winner Svenson Svenderson from Sweden threw his Javelin through the torso of a Belgian Judge, Johann Johannson. After multiple surgeries it has been reported that the judge is making a fantastic recovery and should be out of the hospital shortly.

The committee spent several months on conducting interview and research in various communities throughout the world in order to find an event that would bring a "fresh and young" feel into the summer games. Bush diving refers to an individual who makes a leap from a platform, stage, window, balcony or any number of objects and lands into the bush of his/her choice. Shortly after the decision was announced the committee released this statement from their Chairperson, Elizabethanean Ratchetface, "We believe the introduction of bush-diving into the 2012 Olympics will give a new generation and breed of athletes the opportunity to display their patriotism for their country; it's a large leap, but we at the committee feel strongly about this decision."

Judging of the event will be based upon the following criteria:

- Distance: Both distance of object to bush and height of platform from ground. (see illustration right)

- Creativity: Points will be awarded based upon the participants creativity both on setting up their platform and bush type as well as style points for in-air acrobatics.

- Landing: Ensuring a clean, injury free landing has a high consideration placed upon it.


After years of effort, Veteran bush-diver Andrew Lopacinski expressed his jubilation for the event finally becoming an Olympic event. "I've been bush-diving for years; I've had some nasty run ins with a lot of dangerous bushes, but I've never turned my back on a bush and I've never met a bush I didn't really like. I am looking forward to becoming a winner in bush-diving and bringing the gold home to the USA!"

Ladies and Gentlement... Nathan Alan Wolfe

Since our hiatus Paper, Scissors, Rock Inc. has been keeping quite busy developing new and entertaining material. It's been quite sometime since the last time we conducted an interview. With the polling results in, the overwhelming majority of people have spoken and requested that we interview the one and only, the man, myth and legend. Nathan "blue steel" Wolfe, aka the self proclaimed Wolfmaster. So without further adieu, ladies and gentlemen I bring to you, Nathan Alan Wolfe.

PSR: Mr wolfe, we understand that you are currently living in Charleston, SC and working as a safety professional for a large corporation. Was the transition difficult moving from Buffalo to Charleston?

Wolfmaster: Excuse me? Oh, were you talking to me? I'm sorry I actually only respond to the name Wolfmaster, or as my colleagues like to call me, The chosen one.

PSR: Our apologies, um uh, mr. wolfmaster.

Wolfmaster: And for that matter, since this is going to be in print, please capitalize my name and place a hyphen between wolfe and master. As I am the one and only. Its trademarked you know... Now back to your original question. Yes, I am the sexiest man in Charleston. Women have flown from all over the country to just sit next to me at one our our fine beaches or gentleman's clubs.

PSR: Well, that wasn't exactly the question but ok. And you do realize that those women are expecting you to pay them for their services.

Wolf-Master: (stuttering angrily as he spills his captain and coke) EXCUSE ME?! Bitches pay me for my services, have you seen blue steel?! I dont think so because you have yet to take off your clothes. Blue steel is not just a look, it's a way of life. I've slayed more virgins than Conan the Barbarian slayed evil-doers. Now you must get me a replacement drink, if I do not have a constant stream of captain morgan in my blood stream, I will actually become a hippopotamus.

PSR: There is no need to get angry and violent lets get back to the interview. It was told to us by one of our sources you recently went on a European vacation, can you give us the ..... Wolf-Master, please put your shirt back on, we are not at a Chippendale's club, we are conducting this interview in a public place.

Wolf-Master: But have you seen these pecs? And what about my biceps... They were actually sculpted by God himself.

PSR: Right, My apologies. Can you tell us your favorite part of your European trip?

Wolf-Master: With pleasure. You probably weren't aware but in addition to going and spending time with my friends, this was actually a business trip as well. While in Munich for Oktoberfest a German marketing company wanted to discuss the possibility of me becoming the official mascot of Oktoberfest next year. With my bulging biceps, washboard abs, dashing good looks, George Clooney charm and German heritage they said I would be the best thing for Oktoberfest since beer.

PSR: Interesting, well how did the audition go?

Wolf-Master: It actually went too well. They claimed that if I were their official mascot they would never fill the beer tents because everyone would just want to follow me around and not enjoy the festivities. They decided against me and picked a much weaker individual. I think he's referred to as Steven Michael Christopher, or SMC.

PSR:Well, that is a shame, i'm sure you would have made a great spokesman for Oktoberfest. Now I would like to dive into a bit of your person life; how has your previous life experiences formed that man, err umm Master that you are today?

Wolf-Master: What most people don't know is I was born Jewish. In honor of my Jewish heritage I actually keep a little piece of jew gold around my neck at all times. But aside from that my parents quickly converted me to a catholic upbringing where I was forced to perform "favors" for the nuns of my parish. I believe this is where I originally developed my lust for the opposite sex. Sure they were significantly older and obviously less attractive but I was young and getting some. OH YEAH!

PSR: Will you please stop flexing, i'm trying to conduct an interview, and what the hell is wrong with your face? Why is it all contorted? You look like you are taking a dump, lifting weights and fighting the war on terror at the same time.

Wolf-Master: That my friend, is blue steel. I'm warning you, don't look for too long. Clothes fall off and babies are made just by taking a quick glance.

PSR:Rumors have stated you are currently single, but on the prowl for a meaningless relationship. Can you verify this?

Wolf-Master: Being single implies that it is just me, and as you can tell from the flock of women who are lining up behind you, I am not alone. I cannot get enough of the ladies, or more correctly that ladies cannot get enough of me. But don't worry, I don't discriminate. I'll love young and old, black and white, harry and shaved. I must share myself with all of the ladies of the world. I try and spread my seed across the world because truth be told, we need little wolfe's running around. The world would be a much better place, everyone would be so preoccupied with getting some that there wouldn't be enough time for violence or racism or financial collapse.

PSR: Speaking of financial collapse, does the failing economy worry you?

Wolf-Master: HAHA, you see what I look like, do you really think I should be concerned. Only ugly people are in trouble.

PSR: Wow, that is one of the most vain statements I have ever heard. If you ever plan on getting married, what exactly will you look for in a woman?

Wolf-Master: A heartbeat.

PSR: What is the hand signals you make in almost every picture?

Wolf-Master: That is my own personal gang sign. Unfortunately I cannot explain it to you. Only those who have truly experienced its power are permitted to know.

PSR: Who are your role models?

Wolf-Master: It's pretty difficult to say really. I've had a hard time finding any individual that can amount to my own personal awesomeness. I mean whenever you look at my life you see my totally sweet city that I live in, my hot bod, all my friends and lovers and throw blue steel into the mix, who am I really going to look up too? The better question would be how many lives have I changed and how many people look up to me. I can answer part of that at least. I actually have an entire African Tribe who worship me as their God. They changed the name of their tribe from chumbawuma to wolfmaster. Its pretty awesome to know you make such a positive difference in people's lives.

PSR: You obviously take great pride in your physical appearance, what does your diet and exercise routine consist of?

Wolf-Master. I am so glad you asked that, I could talk about me all day long. In the morning I start my day with a protein shake which consists of sperm from a sperm whale, 3 raw eggs, a quart of half and half, a banana peel, a scoop of protein and a sheep blubber. I generally eat a light lunch of two bull testicles in a spicy mustard sauce with baked asparagus and diced sauteed onion peels. On the rare occasion that one of my women do not cook me dinner I will prepare guerilla back, steamed asian dumblings and a lemon pepper seawood. When I workout I like to just stare my abs into shape. I benchpress women on a nightly basis, this is also part of my cardio routine.

PSR: Last question, if you had to be either paper, scissors or rock, which one would you chose and why?

Wolf-Master: Dumb question, of course I would be rock. You've seen my body, its rock hard.


PSR: Unfortunately, we must conclude this conversation. Your head has gotten so big that you are beginning to suck all the oxygen out of the atmosphere and i'm starting to pass out.

Wolf-Master: No need to apologize, it actually happens quite frequently.

It's been too long....

With over 21 months on hiatus I've decided to make a comeback. Much has changed in the past two years. I've changed my perspective on a few things, grown a few years older, drank a few more beers and had a few more laughs. I'm happy to say that my life is great. With that in mind, I bring to you the first edition of the new Nick….

Things that I love….

Growing old. I look forward to the day when its acceptable to not give a shit what you wear, say or do. Everyday I’m more bald, fat and ugly. It's getting bad, but instead of running scared I’m embracing this disastrous way of life. There are days when my stomach sticks out further than my feet. I shed hair like a dog but it doesn't grow back. Getting old is fun, it’s like a game of roulette, you never know what's next and that is exciting. At my current pace I may not make it to 30.

Rick Astley- Come on now people, if you are not aware of who the king of pop is, then you should go play in traffic right now... "Never gonna give you up" is the greatest song ever recorded. What most people don't know is that Rick is a disgusting white guy who makes vanilla ice look like Brad Pitt. But regardless the man's got the voice of an angel. If this song doesn't make your head nod you should probably reprioritize your life. And if you are not signing this song as you read, seriously... go play in traffic.

Chopsticks - I'll give it to the Asians. They are good at a few things including math, gymnastics, picture taking, anime, and using sticks to eat their food. Not only do these wooden sticks make you eat slower, thus helping with digestion and overeating... but have you ever really watched someone who is unfamiliar with them. HILLARIOUS. Fox needs to put a show on that shows people attempting to use them.

Mrs. Butterworth ( We will be hearing more from this wonderful woman at a date in the near future) Just realize that she is almost as awesome as crispix.

Those liberty mutual commercials about people doing the right thing. I enjoy them because on one side it makes you feel good that people are helping people, but on the other side I laugh because they are hilariously untrue. Most people would not help a stranger and that is why they are ridiculous. How many times a day do I see an old man getting his ass kicked or a person in a wheel chair stuck at a flight of stairs or a Chinese person lost. Sure I could help, but then I wouldn't get that warm feeling inside whenever I watch someone else help them. Now that's what I’m talking about.

Things that I hate….

People who already push the lit up button on an elevator. We get it asshole; you are going to the first floor. Guess what?! So am I. If the button is illuminated, there is no need to push it again. I believe there should be a hammer hanging from the elevator ceiling. In case of emergency asshole, immediately smash fingers.

I'm old, but not this guy old. I have been peeing on my own for well over 20 years at this point. You think I would have learned how to not piss on myself. Recently I have found myself forgetting to give it one more squirt, that is until I'm zippered up and streaming hot urine down my leg. Although it does keep me warm on these cold fall evenings.

Let me get one thing straight. I HATE MTV. seriously despise the channel. A channel should not lie to you. It’s called music television for a reason people, show music. I don’t give a shit about road world, real rules or whatever else garbage comes from that channel. You don’t see BET showing reruns of the three stooges or any cowboy western. Stick to what you know. MUSIC.

Now that we are talking about music, all these bands with symbols, punctuation and hieroglyphics in their band names need to knock it off... how can I download illegal music whenever I cannot type in the name of your band. Grow up and come up with a creative name that doesn't require 8====D.

That Toyota commercial with the annoying advertisement about being saved by zero. If you don’t' know what I’m talking about consider yourself lucky... If I’m being saved by zero who the hell is saving me from this commercial. Listen, it’s bad enough you're not selling cars right now but your marketing people created a one way ticket to hell for all employees by creating the world’s most obnoxious advertisement. If you happen to hear it and cannot change the channel punch yourself in the nuts next time, it won't hurt as bad.

Obviously this is not a fully comprehensive list. I'm trying to ease my way back into using my brain. Look for a few more interesting pieces of useless bitching and information from me in the next upcoming days....